Pressure creates resistance. This statement rings true for me as a parent, grandparent and therapist. Parenting can be stressful, especially if the child seems to be growing in a manner that raises concerns for us. And if a child feels pressured by our concerns, the result will probably be resistant behavior. The child will resist our efforts to make him/her be the way we want and will continue to unconsciously develop behaviors that oppose our wishes. The child is usually not aware of what he/she is doing.
Many parents might disagree with my last sentence. However, I have been studying child development and human behavior for over 45 years. The human brain is not fully developed until we are in our early 20s. Too many people have been taught to believe that children can think like adults. Self-awareness and understanding is that skill that adults must develop consciously. Most children will "act out" their feelings and do not develop awareness until they have become adults. Children will behave oppositionally to their parents because their parents are pressuring them in a manner that feels dis- respectful to the child.
Aretha Franklin defined respect in her song with the phrase "find out what it means to me". How do you know what respect means to a child? Children do not have enough self-awareness or understanding to be able to tell people when they feel disrespected. That is an ability most adults have, if they have worked on becoming self aware. Part of the job of parenting is to be aware of one's own feelings, thoughts and behaviors. When a parent has developed this ability, well enough, the parent can begin to be more aware of what the child may be feeling as well. A child who is behaving in an oppositional manner usually does so because they are feeling pressured and disrespected.
Knowing and respecting the psychological boundaries of a child takes a great deal of self/other awareness. It involves understanding the developmental level of a child according to his/her age as well as their individual ability. What is true for a two year old will change rapidly and be different by the time a child is 4, 6, 8 etc. Children grow differently as individuals. The best time to start the process of understanding the child is as early in the child's life as is possible. When a parent-child relationships starts with awareness and understanding, the relationship tends to grow in a healthy direction.
Interpretation of a child's behavior usually comes through our own filters. For instance, if we have been raised to believe that only girls play with dolls and only boys can climb trees, these rules are part of our filters. Those filters can distort our interpretation of our child's behaviors and we can, out of fear, begin to pressure the child to be interested in things we think he or she "should" be interested in. This is when a child can feel disrespected. Children need to explore their interests as much as possible within safe limits and boundaries.
Safe limits and boundaries? What are they? Some are logical and universal such as don't use drugs, don't play in the street, eat well, get enough sleep, do your homework, clean up after yourself, etc. Structure is something we all need in our lives. It is only within structure that we can safely explore our interests. Children who have parents who have set reasonable limits and boundaries, are often able to set their own limits and boundaries while they explore. Setting reasonable limits and boundaries is another aspect of the parenting job of knowing and respecting the psychological boundaries of a child.
Yes, I know this sounds very complex and some might find it confusing. It's about balance. Being a parent who can continually create equilibrium within oneself is the most important job we will ever do. And I join the ongoing lament that there are no structured classes on how to be a parent. We just do it and often we do it out of our own issues. Self-awareness, self understanding and positive self-esteem are vital for good enough parenting. Good therapy can help parents increase these personal qualities.
Anne is a Board Certified Registered art therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor. Anne has been studying human development and relationships for over 45 years. She has been successfully working with families, in various capacities, for over 20 years. Her private practice is in the Mt. Airy section of Philadelphia PA. She specializes in helping people recover from various types of trauma, difficult changes and loss. Anne has an unusual ability to connect with children and adolescents, along with their parents. Parenting is the most important job we ever do, yet no one shows us how to do it or gives us the support we need. Anne has successfully coached many parents through a variety of critical stages in their children's lives. Annes greatest joy is helping people understand themselves and each other.
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